Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
