I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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