Im at strip club and am horny
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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