Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
