I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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