You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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