remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She bit a glass in half.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
