i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
