Having a random hookup so left but love u
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
