You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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