just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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