You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
