can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
