i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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