I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Found the puke drawer
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
