Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
