omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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