he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
