My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
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