and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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