Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
