I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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