I'm going to jail i love you
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
