I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize