I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
