She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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