Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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