mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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