it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
