you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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