Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
