i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
