It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
