I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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