Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize