I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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