by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
