morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
