whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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