Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
