I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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