so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
