Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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