Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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