Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
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