So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
my liver is dry heaving
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
