I will die if light touches me.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
