Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
