Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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