It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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