I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
