Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
