The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
