the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize