you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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