I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
