I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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