I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize