Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You are the jesus of drinking
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
