I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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