i barfeds in our rink
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
