20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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