Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
