You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
