The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
