the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
