The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
