That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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