So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
